Remember your very first day of school, your first date, your first car, your first child? Remember how fresh and exciting life felt, how much enthusiasm you felt for each new day?
I remember enthusiasm, I still feel it's tingle occasionally. Sometimes it even powers my day for an hour or so until the reality of 54 years of living in a body that has not been taken well care of for some years smacks me in the middle of my forehead.
Many of my days are crappy, full of migraines and fatigue (even after ten hours of sleep); some of my days have an aura of enthusiasm, like my last doctor's visit where I was told that I had lost another three pounds, for a total of ten in the last month WITHOUT DIETING; most of them I pass through with no recollection as to where the hours went.
I need some enthusiasm.
I know that enthusiasm must come from within, that I can't buy it or win it or have it given to me. I know that I cannot allow the lack of enthusiasm from the people in my world to influence me. I have to work harder. I need the flow of enthusiasm in my life.
I love Mark Twain and his ability to state things as they are with a little "bite" to it, a little "nudge" to not take ourselves so seriously. Take this quote of his, for instance: Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
The mechanics of the body would work more smoothly as time went on, and hopefully each day would bring more energy to us, but would the physical empowerment dampen our enthusiasm? Would we be so "into" our physical feelings that our mental processes would be less sharp, less enthusiastic?
I love the Internet, especially blogs. I'm able to "meet" so many personalities that I otherwise would not be exposed to because, let's face it, like attracts like so you know the type of people I hang with - nice, intelligent, friendly, but not a lot of excitement about life anymore. Just existing, and glad of it, for the alternative is not so appealing, but just existing. So I have been searching the Internet to see if I could "steal" the secret of enthusiasm.
I found that loving God, family and friends create enthusiasm. Good health definitely creates enthusiasm if you have had poor health. Money sufficient to meet your needs is good to have because nothing curbs enthusiasm like worry over where your next meal is coming from, or how you're going to pay the dentist. Success - even in little things - gives you the enthusiasm to tackle harder projects. But somehow all of this doesn't seem to help me with my current lack of enthusiasm. I need the enthusiasm to create an enthusiasm that will last longer than an hour. Or a minute. Before the fatigue and despair settle in again.
Then I found this quote on http://danaroc.com/ :
Success is a result of moving from failure to failure with no loss ofThat's when it hit me - I'm not lacking enthusiasm, I'm just feeling discouraged due to what I perceive as my lack of success:
enthusiasm and without getting discouraged.
- I'm too weak to stay on a healthy diet and exercise so that I can be healthier.
- I'm not the mom I wanted to be.
- I'm not the grandma I wanted to be.
- I quit a job that I loved because I was too weak to stand up to the boss.
- My house is not immaculate - and I don't care enough to make it
So what is the solution? Rethink what success is for me and how to achieve it
- I can stay on a healthy diet if I kick the *** of the next person who brings ice cream or chips or real soda into this house. I can exercise if I make a point of putting my exercise gear on first thing and going directly to the gym before I find excuses.
- I am a good mom - most moms are. It's the kids who brainwash us into believing that they know more at fourteen than we do at forty (I think there's a Mark Twain quote somewhere about just that subject...).
- I can't help that my granddaughter lives hundreds of miles away, and that my step granddaughters don't like me (they're real grandma told them that I was trying to steal them from her). But I can be as supportive as I can and hope that the future will bring positive changes.
- NEVER allow another person to intimidate and terrorize me again, especially a boss. Money is not MY God.
- Dirty house? So what? Who wants to eat off of a floor anyway? Besides, I am NOT my mother and I am not less of a person because of it. Her rules didn't make her happy, so WHY do I think they will work for me?
And I DO have enthusiasm about some things:
- I am enthusiastic about my new passion, genealogy (okay, I'll admit it, it's more OBSESSION than enthusiasm).
- I have enthusiasm about seeing my husband at the end of each day - his coming home is the HIGH POINT of my day now that I'm not working. I WANT to hear about his day instead of thinking "shut up and let's get dinner over so I can go to sleep."
- I LOVE my genealogy classes (OK, I guess that's really part of #1, sorry).
- I LOVE the volunteer indexing work that I'm doing (oops, sorry, #1 again).
- I enjoy having each day as my own, and in time I believe I will learn to be enthusiastic about JUST DOING NOTHING if that's what I feel like doing.
Okay, I feel better now. Almost like doing something...